indulgewithbibi, Author at Indulge with Bibi

August 10, 2019 by indulgewithbibi

Getting Through Baby’s 4-Month Sleep Regression

Coming Off a 12-hour Continuous Sleep Cycle

After writing about how we trained our 3-month old baby to sleep through the night without feeding, I was feeling pretty good about how well Bibi was sleeping and how well rested I was. It was nice to feel such a high in my journey as a new mom after feeling so low from my postpartum complications, hence, I was really dreading the inevitable 4-month sleep regression.

What is 4-Month Sleep Regression?

A 4-month sleep regression occurs when baby’s sleep pattern changes and even previously good sleepers start waking up in the middle of the night and refuse to go back to bed. Baby is growing out of his 2-stage sleep pattern consisting of a quiet and active phase. His system is maturing and his sleep pattern is more like an adults which means he comes to a natural wake-up or near wake-up every hour or two. Some signs of sleep regression include: fussiness, multiple night wakings, refusal to go back to sleep, appetite changes and changes in napping patterns.

What Baby’s Sleep Regression Was Like for Us

Even though it was so exhausting dealing with the changes in Bibi’s once very good sleep schedule, the good news was that she was maturing and learning new things, most notably – being able to flip from back to front. This gave us the confidence to finally let her sleep soundly all night on her belly whenever we found that she had flipped herself over during the night. I kept in mind the appreciation I had for her maturing little system as we navigated the dreaded 4-month sleep regression.

Bibi’s sleep regression included waking up in the middle of the night babbling and playing, refusing to go back to sleep, and crying in the middle of the night until she received a feeding. Although her night time sleep was interrupted she continued to fall asleep at her usual bedtime of around 7 pm and wakes up at 7 am. She didn’t sleep a full 12 hours though, she lost some of her sleep time due to her middle of the night explorations and feeding.

The resources I used and referenced in all my baby sleep posts are:
• The Happy Sleeper Book – Science-Backed Guide to Helping Your Baby Get a Good Night’s Sleep – Newborn to School Age
• Taking Cara Baby Paid Sleep Program
• Bringing Up Bebe Book: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting
• One-on-one meetings with lactation consultants at BC Women’s Hospital
• 7-week Pre-natal Class at the Childbearing Society
• Local La Leche Meetings in Vancouver
• Today’s Parent: Cry-it-out sleep training will not harm your baby
• Baby Sleep Site: The Ferber Method Explained
• Today’s Parent: Giving your baby morning breastmilk at bedtime might be ruining his sleep

How We Dealt with Baby’s 4-Month Sleep Regression

Late-night Playtime

Bibi’s sleep regression started with her waking up in the middle of the night playing, babbling and practicing her new skills. My previously sleepy newborn had become stronger, more alert and inquisitive. Between the hours of 2 am – 4 am, she would wake up and stare at her mobile or babble loudly for one to two hour stretches, waking up my husband and I and then falling back asleep herself. Even though we were losing sleep, this part of her regression was simple enough to deal with. We made the room environment even darker so she couldn’t see anything and be distracted by all the “fun” things in the bedroom. Then we let her figure things out for herself and eventually she went back to sleep on her own.

S.I.T.B.A.C.K Then Feed

After a little more than a week of Bibi’s midnight play sessions, her next awakenings were not so sweet and easy to deal with. In the middle of the night, she started crying hysterically and refused to go back to sleep. At first I was a little torn on whether or not I should feed her since we had worked hard to eliminate her night feeds already. We ended up using a modified S.I.T.B.A.C.K routine from Taking Cara Babies to decide on whether or not a feed was truly needed.

The S.I.T.B.A.C.K routine follows a set of steps that becomes progressively more intrusive until a feed is finally offered. At first when Bibi cries, we wait at least 5 minutes before we go in to check on her. Sometimes she might settle back into sleep by herself but sometimes she ends up crying hysterically, this was especially so during her sleep regression. By now, I can discern the difference between her whining or hysterical cries. If she is just whining in a “I woke up and I’m disorientated” sort of way, I just use the French method of “le pause” and let her work it out herself. Sometimes she might suck her thumb and fall back asleep.

If she continues to cry, I give her a pacifier. We already phased out pacifier use last month but in order to prevent a late night feeding, we give her a pacifier to see if it can tide her over until she could fall back asleep again. Most often times, she spits it out and continues to cry.

If she refuses the pacifier, I pick her up and give her some cuddles which usually stops her crying for less than a minute as she looks around the room and get re-orientated. If she resumes crying, which she often did during her regression, I know it’s time to offer a feed.

What I just described is one way to do a “hold off” style routine like S.I.T.B.A.C.K from Taking Cara Babies. I never go in and pick her up or offer a feed right away. The only time I do pick her up immediately is when she cries hysterically. I’m sure by now, most parents have no troubles deciphering the differences between their baby’s cries. I know when Bibi cries hysterically it’s most likely that something is wrong – she isn’t feel well or she’s very hungry.

After a feed, if she has no problems being laid back into bed awake and putting herself to sleep, it’s a good sign that she was truly just hungry to begin with and wasn’t looking to be soothed back to sleep with a feeding.

First Time Getting Sick at 4-Months Old

I should note on the nights that I described having fed Bibi immediately after hearing her hysterical cries were the nights when she was sick for the first time with a cold. It seemed inevitable because she had recently learned how to grasp different objects and would bring them into her mouth to explore further.

She was coughing and sneezing but felt well enough that she continued to be a focused feeder during the day. I reviewed the notes from Taking Cara Babies and it recommends to give lots of love to baby during this time, put sleep training aside for now and offer a feed when baby asks for it because she needs to stay hydrated. I followed this advice and fed Bibi every night for 6 nights when she woke up crying, feeling a little aprehensive each time that she’d have to relearn all her good sleep habits. But true to the program’s reassurance that, “If you had a good sleeper, you will get her back once she’s well,” our sweet Bibi did stop asking for night feeds once she fully recovered from her cold and only cried for them on occasion during the rest of her regression.

How the 4-Month Regression Ended

Bibi’s regression phased out gradually, the nights she cried for milk or stayed up to play started to decrease in comparison to the ones in which she didn’t until she started sleeping a long continuous stretch in the night consistently again. Now she sleeps a little over 11 hours each night from around 7 pm to 6 am, it’s a little bit less than the 12-13 hours she used to do in the night. See how we are doing now for sleep in Bibi’s 5-months.

In total, her 4-month regression lasted around 20 days. It was an interesting time because I was given the chance to feed her again in the middle of the night, something which I secretly missed about her newborn phase. However, this time, I was much more well rested and it allowed me to enjoy the late night bonding moment. I’m happy I had the opportunity to experience that again and at the same time, see her mature into a more alert and curious infant.

With much love.

XOXO,
Mimi

July 10, 2019 by indulgewithbibi

Trained 3-Month Old Baby to Sleep 12 Hours without Feeding

After 3 months of intermittent sleep, I finally have some more time to sit down and collect my thoughts. That is because my newly 4 month-old baby finally learned to sleep 12 hours a night without feeding. In addition, she self-soothes herself to sleep when put down awake so my work load as a new mom has become much more manageable.

Putting my baby to sleep hasn’t always been easy, there was a time when I was so sleep deprived and not thriving at all as a new parent. I remembered feeling the stress of trying to juggle everything I needed to do – pumping, feeding, laundry – each day with the limited amount of time I had. When Bibi started to sleep more, I was finally able to get enough sleep myself. It allowed me to recover from my postpartum complications and I finally really enjoyed motherhood like I had always imagined.

Newborn Only Slept When Held

In the beginning my dear Bibi would only sleep soundly in her own bassinet during the day when we had help from our parents. It made their time taking care of their granddaughter a real joy. Come evening, Bibi would cry all throughout the night if we tried to let her sleep by herself in her bassinet.

My husband and I even devised this routine called “shifts”, there was an early and late shift, starting at 11 pm and 4 am respectively. In order for her to sleep at night, we would take turns holding her in our arms for 4-5 hour stretches at a time. Night “shifts” were an absolutely isolating period of time that neither of us enjoyed. We were left alone to fight off our own late-night fatigue and deal with a newborn that cried for what seemed to be no reason at all. When baby didn’t sleep, we didn’t get to sleep. It’s no wonder why the topic of baby sleep and sleep training is such a preoccupation of parents.

Which Sleep-training Techniques to Use?

We tried many different sleep-training techniques before we found ones that worked for us practically and emotionally. On a practical level, there were certain techniques that didn’t quite work within the time constraints and lifestyles of our family. For example, I really needed my early evenings free to prepare dinner instead of doing a completely baby-focused bedtime routine because I prefer to have a hot meal on the table for my husband after he’s had a long day at work. On an emotional level, I couldn’t bring myself to follow a true “cry it out” method which involves leaving the baby alone to cry and eventually soothe herself to sleep.

The Case For and Against Cry It Out Methods

Most resources don’t suggest implementing the Cry It Out method until the baby is at least 4-5 months old. However, I couldn’t help marveling at how easily and confidently my friend’s daughter, who was the same age as Bibi, slept while on a playdate at my house. Her mom asked me to put a pack-and-play in a dark corner of our home and she laid her down fully awake while I witnessed the little miracle that is an infant putting herself to sleep. When I asked how she got her daughter to sleep so well, she said that she had used the Cry it Out method since week 5.

I remembered we tried a modified version of a Cry It Out method for a little over a week when Bibi was nearing 3 months. By then, she was already showing signs of being able to roll over so we had to stop swaddling her. Because of that we felt she was on her way to maturing beyond the newborn stage and gave the more aggressive form of sleep training a go. During the short intervals when we let her cry it out, she was very mad and made her intense displeasure known with a very high-pitched cry that was almost like a scream. Hearing this, hubby was usually the one to break first and told me to reconsider such a harsh method. Although there are opposing views on whether or not it’s psychologically damaging for babies to cry it out themselves, in the end, I listened to him. I thought he made a good point that since babies cannot talk, we will never truly know if they have been negatively affected emotionally when left to cry it out alone in their early days. Because our health and family situation allowed us to continue soothing her before her bedtime or anytime she woke up in the middle of the night, we decided to put the Cry It Out method on the back burner. Besides, I asked myself why I was in such a hurry to force her to grow up. She was still literally a baby after all.

This is not to say that you shouldn’t try the Cry It Out method yourself, different babies have different temperaments and respond differently to different methods. In our case, through trial and error, we found that special combination of techniques to successfully sleep-train our baby in a way that made us all happy in the end. Below I will outline the techniques and resources we used to sleep train Bibi. It’s by no means a How-To guide or does it aim to replace the actual books and programs from where the techniques derived. When I was reading these books/programs, some of the techniques sounded very good in theory but I always wondered how real families made use of them in their own homes. Therefore, I want to share my own personal experience and hope you might find reading my experience insightful. All the books and programs mentioned are very valuable resources of information and should be read in their entirety if you’d like to dig deeper and solve some of your baby sleep problems. And remember to always consult with your own doctor or pediatrician.

Sleep Training and Baby’s Maturity

Many sleep programs do not recommend sleep training a baby until she is at least 4 months old. The Happy Sleeper even says that you can spoil a baby and give her all the comfort she needs for the first 3 months, which we did. Nearing the 3 month mark, I saw some marked changes in Bibi and discovered that her moods became much more stable and she finally seemed to understand the difference between day and night. Then it hit me, of course! That’s why these sleep programs are more effective when the baby is older, they naturally no longer confuse day and night and seem to have the capacity to recognize and accept new patterns. That’s not to say that you can’t get a head start paving the way for baby to be sleep-trained as soon as possible. At around 2 months, we started to do two things which helped lay the foundation for her to be eventually sleep trained: helping her recognize the difference between day and night and establishing a bedtime routine.

Exposing Baby to Day Light

In my prenatal class we were forewarned that in the beginning most babies would be more alert in the evening and sleep more soundly in the day because that’s how they slept while in the womb. I remembered when I was carrying Bibi, she was often lulled to sleep with my active daytime movements but as soon as laid in bed at night, it was party time for her.

The Happy Sleeper recommends creating an environment that helps baby distinguish the difference between night and day. For example, in the daytime I would expose Bibi to daylight by taking her out for walks and keeping her in the brightly lit areas of our home. Near bedtime we would dim the lights in the house and use a more relaxed tone when we spoke or handled her. During the night, the bedroom is kept almost completely dark and the shades don’t get drawn until morning.

Our Own Modified Bedtime Routine

Bedtime routines get a lot of coverage when it comes to sleep-training. A bedtime routine or ritual is a set of predictable set of steps taken with baby before bedtime each night so it can act as a cue that it’s time to go to sleep. Most recommended bedtime routines consist of a bath, infant massage, story time, changing into pajamas, feeding or songs, all together lasting for about half an hour.

One very important takeaway for me from the Taking Cara Babies sleep program was that bedtime routines, “don’t need to be complicated, just predictable.” That was important for me because sometimes Bibi wasn’t fully tired enough to go to sleep and her routine would drag on for hours but I also needed that time to prepare dinner for my husband when he came home from work.

I had to find a way to complete both tasks simultaneously so Bibi’s routine started with a feeding and and a story in the living room. We would then move to the kitchen where she would watch me prepare dinner in her Mammaroo chair (set on still). At this point I would watch for cues from her to see if she was tired enough for bed. If she was still alert and wanted to stay with us, I would let her continue sitting with us until we finished eating dinner (in a very dim dining room). If she seemed tired, I set aside our food for the time being and finish off the rest of her routine in the bedroom where she would ultimately end her night. In the bedroom, I change her, give her a quick massage with lotion and then read 2 more stories. Then I lay her into the crib with a kiss. As you can see, there is some flexibility with my routine as some days I let her stay with us until we finish dinner and some days I might complete the routine in one go. I just make sure some parts of the remain consistent. This includes playing the exact same soothing song for the duration of the routine and reading the exact same story at the end. This way, she would have something consistent to rely on but I could also deviate from the rest of the routine if circumstances required it on some days.

We end each night’s bedtime routine by reading this classic children’s book.

The Magical 7 O’clock Bedtime and Babies Own Cues

Once we had her routine down, we needed to choose the right time to do it. In the beginning, I was a bit confused as to when to do the bedtime routine since my newborn slept at anytime during the day and night and had no periods of “long sleep.” The Happy Sleeper describes 7 pm as the “magical bedtime”. Sleep begets sleep and since babies tend to naturally wake up early in the morning no matter what time they go to bed, it’s better to put them down earlier than later. Because Bibi slept at all hours randomly throughout the day, I tried not to worry so much about the fact that baby would eventually wake up an hour or so even after doing her routine. Doing it just helped set the stage for later when her system was more mature and she started having long sleeps.

At first, we weren’t so flexible with the routine or with the time she went to bed. We used to start her routine early at 5:30 pm, focusing solely on her without cooking or eating our own dinner, expecting that she would fall asleep by 7 pm. With such high expectations, we were all in for a world of frustration. After doing all the steps in her routine, come 6:30 pm when I finally laid her to bed, she was mad at being laid down to bed alone and screamed nonstop to be picked back up. Our dinner would be pushed back as we tried to soothe her over and over again. When we finally did eat, we each took turns holding her as we ate. Then we’d do the ritual again near 8 pm, she seemed more relaxed and more tired so she protested much less and fell asleep quickly. It finally dawned on me that she wasn’t a bad sleeper, she probably just wasn’t ready to sleep when we thought she “should be” in bed. We decided to let her sleep later so bedtime could be met with less resistance. She seemed much happier to sit with us and watch us eat dinner and when it came time for bed, it didn’t take her long to fall asleep in her crib.

5 to 6 weeks later, she naturally started getting tired earlier, closer to the magical 7 pm bedtime. We learned that for us, it was better to put her down when she was more tired and drowsy than to follow a strict time. Having those successful bedtime experiences allowed for all of us to keep building on that success.

Lay Down Awake & Le Pause

Even with a bedtime routine and narrowing down the right time to put Bibi to sleep at night, it didn’t mean that she accepted being put down in the crib to sleep on her own. Prior to sleep training, she was used to being held or bounced to sleep by us. Naturally, she really resisted being put down in her crib to sleep on her own and cried immediately as soon as we put her down. This is what I hear often from other parents, no matter how gently you put a sleeping baby down, they seem to just know when they’re mere inches away from being laid down on the crib mattress.

At first, it seemed easier to bounce her to sleep and stealthily lay her in the crib asleep but we also saw the drawbacks of that method when she would wake up screaming just a little while later. To prevent Bibi from feeling the shock of being held to sleep and waking up only to find that she was in a crib all alone, we followed the Happy Sleeper’s recommendation on laying down baby drowsy but awake. This required a lot of patience and guts.

It was a lot of work laying her down drowsy but awake. She cried so much and resisted a lot. We used a French method referred to as “le pause” in the book, Bringing Up Bebe: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting. The author, Pamela Druckerman, describes le pause as a brief 5-minute period in which French parents let their sleeping babies cry while observing them before intervening. During this time, baby is given the space to get themselves back to sleep by self-soothing.

Besides it’s purpose for when baby awakens in the night, this “wait and observe” method was also useful for us in putting Bibi to sleep by letting her cry for 5 minute intervals at time. If she couldn’t self-soothe within that time we would then go in and comfort her using methods that are least to most intrusive (referred to as the “Soothing Ladder” in the Happy Sleeper). In our particular situation, we first let our presence known in the room, pat her gently while she was in bed and if that didn’t work, we’d give her a pacifier, pick her up and then finally offer a feed if needed.

With all the drama of doing all those steps when we were already dead tired, sometimes we’d still end up with a very resistant baby who still wanted to be held to sleep. To make our own night easier, we would bounce her to sleep some nights but we kept trying to lay her down awake whenever we had a chance at nap time and each night. She was actually much more open to this during the daylight hours and that’s when we first saw that she had the ability to self-soothe herself to sleep. We kept trying to put her down awake each night and eventually, Bibi understood the pattern, that mom and dad wasn’t going to be bouncing her to sleep anymore and she resisted less and less on being laid down awake.

Sleep Environment

When Bibi did finally fall asleep, we followed Taking Cara Babies’ recommendations to “create an environment conducive to falling asleep and staying asleep” by eliminating any light where baby sleeps, setting a sound machine and making sure the room stays a comfortable and cool temperature.

Sound machines help babies stay asleep by producing constant white noise that reminds baby of the constant noises found in the womb and drowns out sudden random noises which can wake him. You don’t necessarily need to buy one but it’s more efficient to have one that can be easily set up and can be dedicated for use in baby’s bedroom for the entire time that he is sleeping. We downloaded an hour-long white noise soundtrack and played it using an old cell phone and bluetooth speaker. It helped a lot in drowning out our footsteps when we had to go into the room to check up on her.

Sound machines can help baby transition from one sleep cycle to the next. It also helped drown out the noises from our footsteps when we went into the room to check on her.

Eat. Play. Sleep Routine

Once Bibi is awake again, we try to follow an “Eat, Play, Sleep” routine to help her disassociate milk feedings with sleep. This prevents her from asking for milk when she has trouble falling asleep and encourages self-soothing at bedtime. Mind you, in the beginning when she was a newborn, she fell asleep during a feed and we let her. After all, she was still a baby – a newborn baby. Only when she was past the 2 month mark, did we see her sleep tolerance increase to a point which allowed her to stay awake during and after a feed. Some activities we did with her after a feed include babbling, listening to songs, looking in the mirror, playing with stuffed animals or reading a book.

Naps and the 90-Minute Rule

After playtime, it would be time for Bibi’s naps again. One of the best tips on baby naps is the 90-minute rule from The Happy Sleeper in which the baby is put down to sleep 90 minutes from when she was last awake. The authors caution that, “Don’t fall into thinking that the longer you keep your baby up, the more easily she’ll fall asleep. A chronically overtired baby whose nervous system is overstimulated… is even less capable of falling asleep”

We are always mindful of the 90 minute-awake span and make sure she doesn’t stay up past that awake window after which she would actually get more hyperactive or extremely fussy due to being overtired. If she happens to be napping close to her 7 pm bedtime, we’d make sure to wake her up before 5:30 pm.

Another nap strategy we follow is waking baby up from her long naps. I know, why ruin a “good” thing… but I found waking her up from her longer naps helped create a sleep deficit for a restful long sleep in the evening. I usually wake her up from her daytime naps after an hour or an hour and a half. Of course, I only did this when she started having long sleeps at night (7-8 hours) along with 3-5 daytime naps. Prior to that, her naps were all over the place so we allowed her to sleep whenever she wanted.

“Night Time” Milk

One interesting thing I learned from seeing a lactation consultant was the concept of “night time” milk. Melatonin is more prevalent in mom’s breast milk at night and this can help aid in baby’s sleep. It’s something to consider if there is a choice between nursing baby or giving formula for the last feed before bedtime. And as for pumped milk, time-matching the pumped milk with baby’s feeding time may help provide baby the right awake/sleep signals.

Getting Enough Calories During the Day

Besides night time milk, getting enough milk throughout the day was crucial for helping Bibi sleep 12 hours without feeding. This is something I can completely emphasize with. Even as an adult, it’s difficult to go back to sleep when I’m feeling hungry. All I’d be thinking about is getting up for a bedtime snack and why should Bibi be any different.

I took the Taking Cara Baby’s instructions on “Topping off the Tank”, by offering a dream feed a few hours after the bedtime feed. Following the program advice, I would grab Bibi for a dream feed sometime between 11 pm to 12 am, right before my own bedtime. After that feed, she could usually last another 4-6 hours, making her total long sleep time about 11 hours with one dream feed in between. During that period of time in her life, I would sleep from 1230-530 am, feed her, eat my own breakfast and then go back to sleep with her when she napped from 7 am to 9 am. This gave me a total of 7 hours of sleep. I finally started to really feel refreshed.

The last step in getting Bibi to fully sleep through the night without her 12 am dream feed happened nearer to when she was turning 4 months old. She was older, her food intake during the day had increased and I finally mustered up the confidence not to wake her up for her dream feed. Lo and behold, she didn’t wake up either and when I closed my eyes at 12 am and woke up at 7 am, I was ecstatic that I had finally gotten a night of truly uninterrupted sleep. It was the most excitement I had ever felt after sleeping only 7 hours lol. After that day, I didn’t wake Bibi up for a dream feed again and she didn’t ask for one.

Daytime Independence

These last three topics on daytime independence, tummy time and removing sleep aids helped Bibi fall and stay asleep by herself for good. When she was able to self-soothe, it cut down the time it took for us to bounce/pat her before bedtime and eliminated the need for us to pat her or put back the pacifier every time she awoke in the middle of the night. It translated into a nice stretch of uninterrupted sleep for all of us.

In the beginning, we didn’t use the crib at all because Bibi only wanted to be held in our arms for her night time sleep. We did notice that in the daytime, she was much calmer and slept peacefully in her bassinet which we kept in the living room. To help Bibi familiarize herself with her crib where we eventually wanted her to sleep, we gave her time to play in it whenever we saw an opportunity. These times often came in the afternoon when she was in a good mood after being fed, changed and had a lot of morning snuggles with us already. We would always try to put her to bed drowsy but awake so she didn’t awaken to find she was all alone in a crib when she initially fell asleep in our arms.

Once she started to have some experience sleeping in her crib during the day, we tried letting her sleep in it during the night when she was 2 and a half months. It wasn’t always easy putting her to sleep in her crib, she would often wake up crying and wanting to be held again. We kept trying and in the beginning, she would only do her first sleep of the night in there. When she did cry later in the night, we’d pull her out and finish her night time sleep with me holding her. It was hard but it was a start and the more time she had in her crib, the more she felt safe and relaxed there, setting the stage for long night time sleeps in her crib.

Tummy Time

Tummy time is one thing that parents are told to give baby often so he can develop his head, shoulder and neck strength. Beyond strengthening the body, Taking Cara Baby recommends practicing tummy time frequently in the daytime for baby to get acquainted with the belly down sleeping position. I didn’t realize the importance of giving Bibi tummy time at first but saw the huge benefits of it when she started to become strong enough to roll over by herself at 3 months.

Bibi would roll from her back to her tummy with the motivation coming from her very strong desire to sleep on her tummy instead of her back – the recommended safe sleep position for all babies until they are strong enough to roll over by themselves. At first, she wasn’t able to fall asleep in that position nor was she able to flip back from her tummy to her back so she cried every time she found herself on her belly when she couldn’t fall asleep. Hubby and I had a heck of a time helping her flip back every time she cried for us in the middle of the night. After a few nights, she acclimatized to the new sleep position and slept very soundly in the belly down position. Now we always start Bibi’s sleep on her back even though she finds a way to flip to her belly when we are asleep ourselves. Until she can fully flip from belly to back, we will still continue to flip her back onto her back.

Removing Sleep Props

Weaning sleep props like the pacifier is an important step for baby to move towards self-soothing. Once Bibi could do that, she was able to be put down into the crib awake and she could self-soothe herself back to sleep when she awoke in the night. The pacifier helped Bibi fall asleep more readily when we first put her down in the crib. In the beginning we already felt successful when she could fall asleep with only a pacifier and stay that way for a longer stretch of time there. However, every time when she would awaken during the night, she would cry for her pacifier that had fallen out. We’d have to get up several times in the night to pop it back into her mouth. Some sources recommend removing it completely at bedtime so baby doesn’t wake up looking for it.

We didn’t eliminate pacifier use at bedtime since Bibi absolutely refused to fall asleep without it. It was more important for us to have her fall asleep closer to 7 pm than to have a power struggle on whether or not she could have her binky. The pacifier was especially helpful during those nights when she would wake up in the morning too soon at 4 am and I’d have to soothe her back to back sleep by putting the pacifier back into her mouth every hour until 6 or 7 am when I was ready to feed her. I rather give her the pacifier than let her get used to the idea that she gets to wake up for good early in the morning.

As you can see, her binky served its purpose and I never found a great way to get her off pacifiers at night time with my own efforts. In the day, we would wean her off of it by putting up with her tantrums without it but it was only when she discovered she had hands that she finally weaned off the binky for good. Once she realized the function of her hands, she started to enjoy sucking her thumbs and eventually learned to self-soothe that way as soon as we laid her in bed. When she wakes up in the middle of the night, she doesn’t wake us up and just starts sucking her thumb. (We are working to wean her off thumb sucking eventually. More updates on that later.)

We helped baby with developing her hand/finger developments by getting her a few grasping toys like this ball. We really love it because its easy for her to grab and keep hold of more readily than any other toy she has.

When Baby Sleeps, Mama Gets to Sleep

Currently Bibi goes to sleep roughly at around 6-7 pm each day and wakes up at 6-7 am. We continue to be flexible with her bedtime routine and when she sleeps by watching her sleep cues. Some nights her bedtime routine includes staying up with us until we finish dinner, some nights she doesn’t and we complete her bedtime routine with one go. She doesn’t need a night feeding anymore but some nights she might wake up crying and I’d go in to change her diaper and she’d fall back asleep right after. When we first put her down to sleep at bedtime she is completely awake and she soothes herself to sleep by rubbing her face in the sheets, sucking her thumb and getting into her favorite sleep position which is on her belly. Late in the night when she awakens, she’d play in the crib and eventually falls back asleep by herself without asking for us. In the morning, she usually wakes up around 6 to 7 am and she plays by herself until I am ready to feed her. So far so good, we are dreading the 4-month sleep regression which most babies will go through. Here’s how we got through Bibi’s 4-month sleep regression.

We know that for now we are very lucky to have a baby who sleeps well in the night and appreciate the fact that it can change at any time. Every child is naturally different, some sleep more than others, some less. Nevertheless, I hope you were able to gain some insight into how the sleep programs and courses I took worked for us on Bibi’s journey towards getting a full night’s rest. I wish you some restful nights ahead too.

With much love.

XOXO,

Mimi

May 22, 2019 by indulgewithbibi

Homemade Burgers with the Plant-based Beyond Meat Patty

A hamburger with a meatless burger patting, avocados, tomato and bacon.

How Good Can Meat-less Burgers Be?

One time hubby mentioned in passing that he’d like to try moving towards a plant-based diet. It wasn’t a bad idea at all since there were many benefits to our health, the environment and to animal welfare but it was definitely easier said than done. I knew hubby was a big fan of meat for its protein component so I didn’t give his comment much thought until I stumbled across the Beyond Burger patty hanging out conspicuously next to the conventional patties made from real beef. I texted hubby if he’d be interested in trying it and surprisingly, I received a quick reply of “yes” from him.

Cooking Burgers for Only 2 People

I quickly went around the grocery store looking for condiments to assemble the patty with. I’ve always disliked buying an ingredient only to use a little bit of it for a certain dish so I ended up choosing two hamburger buns from the bulk section, a hot house tomato and an avocado to pair with the burger. I planned to add ketchup and bacon (I know…) which I remembered I had at home already.

Burger Condiment Suggestions for One-Time Use
– Tomato
– Buns from the bulk aisle
– Avocado
– Fried egg
– Small pack of gourmet cheese

Easy Cleanup

When dinner time came around, I unpacked the two patties from the container and found that they were neatly packaged inside the plastic container with a small piece of butcher paper in between the meat and the container. This allowed easy removal of the patty and a quick rinse off of the plastic container for recycling. I really liked that part and knowing the patties did not contain meat also helped ease my mind that I’d contaminate any cooking surfaces with E.coli.

Plant=based burger patty wrapped in a conventional meat patty packaging.

Cooking the Meat-less Patty

As per the instructions, I heated a pan on med-high heat. What it didn’t say was whether or not oil was needed so I decided to add some avocado oil to prevent the patties from sticking. The instructions were for cooking 4 minutes a side but I cooked the first side for 3 minutes and had to turn down the heat to medium for the second side since it was already starting to blacken a bit. Then I did 4 minutes on the second side and then flipped it back and did one minute more on the original side. It was really easy to cook and it didn’t shrink with the heat.

Moment of Truth

By this time, I had to assemble the cooked patties quickly with the buns, mashed up avocados, sliced tomatoes, ketchup and crispy bacon because my infant daughter had awoken from her sleep. I left the burgers on the plate and hurriedly told hubby to just eat without me first. Dinner time is always like this at home nowadays with a new baby. While I was still struggling to put Bibi back to sleep, hubby came into the bedroom to see how I was managing on that (not great). Before he left, he said, “btw, great job on the burgers!” OMG, I was so happy to hear that. Dinner time is always a struggle with a husband who I deemed to be a “picky eater” as you may know from my previous post on Indulge with Mimi. I was so elated with his approval that soothing a still crying baby was no longer so hard. I could now add one more item on my slowly expanding list for go-to dinners in the future.

Cross section of a juicy plant-based burger patty.

When I finally had a chance to sit down and enjoy the burgers myself, I found the patties were still juicy and had the same texture of a regular beef patty. The flavor was also identical to a seasoned beef patty. To be objective, I didn’t try the patty by itself but I’m assuming anyone buying it would be consuming it as a whole assembled burger with condiments.

Overall, I liked the patty for the taste and texture which was just like a regular juicy beef patty. I really appreciated that it was an animal-friendly alternative and it was an easy meal idea that I could assemble quickly with a young family. I have a whole routine for sanitizing my kitchen after cooking meat so this plant-based product also helped me save time in that regard. My only consideration would be with the nutritional value and the sodium level. You can read more about it from this article. The price is about twice that of regular beef at around $8 CDN for just two patties. For me, the value is there since the earth-friendly concept and ease of use appeals to me. The next night, hubby wanted to have the burgers again so this was also a huge selling point for me personally. I would definitely recommend you try it at least once.

Until next time.

XOXO,
Mimi

Beyond Meat is sold and served in select grocery stores and restaurants, respectively. Find one near you.

May 18, 2019 by indulgewithbibi

A Visit to Maplewood Farm with a Baby Infant

Introducing Baby to Animals

Hubby really wanted to introduce Bibi to animals this long weekend to help her foster a similar love of animals. Up to this point, she never really had a long encounter with a whole bunch of different animals before. Her experience with animals at almost 3 months old have been limited to the geese, ducks and dogs that we’d see on our walks in parks. At first, Hubby thought the Vancouver Aquarium would be a good place to bring Bibi as there are both tropical forest mammals and sea animals to see. When I mentioned that we wanted to bring Bibi to the aquarium and possibly get a membership, several parents of older children remarked that she might be too young still to appreciate it considering how much it would cost for admission (around $76 for two adults, children under 3 free). We decided to find an alternative outing for this weekend and hold off on the aquarium for a few more months so she could grow into a yearly membership.

An Interactive Kid-Friendly Farm

We ended up going to the Maplewood Farm located in North Vancouver. It has been open since 1975 and is run by the District of North Vancouver, Parks Department. It’s not a very big farm, most of the animals were in spacious enclosed areas within close proximity of each other. We were able to introduce the approximately 200 domestic farm animals to Bibi visually and take some photos all in under an hour. Families with older children will most likely spend more time there petting the animals, feeding the ducks and bunnies, going for pony rides ($111/hr) or watching the cow milking demonstrations. The farm is very well run with happy healthy animals, clean bathrooms and a separate hand washing station to minimize the spread of germs. There’s also a small gift shop where you can purchase farm related gifts.

Overall, we had a great time and it met our objective of introducing cute animals to Bibi for a fraction ($17 for 2 adults) of what it would cost at the aquarium. It was wonderful seeing the look of wonderment in Bibi’s eyes as we introduced her to new animals she had never seen before. She’s still too young to pet or feed any of the animals by herself and she didn’t have the desire to interact with any of them yet but we felt it was a good experience for her to see animals in real life rather than from a book or TV. Older children will have a lot more to do at the farm. Teenagers and adults might find the farm animals less interesting than the more “exotic” ones found at the Aquarium but I would recommend the farm to all families with younger children as a safe, clean and interactive family activity.

Until next time.

XOXO,

Mimi

Maplewood Farm
A: 405 Seymour River Pl, North Vancouver, BC V7H 1S6
T: (604) 929-5610
H: 10 am – 4 pm

Larger goats behind fencing. There are also smaller ones in another area for petting.

Tips for a visit to Maplewood Farm:
– Wear comfy clothes to play with animals. Bring sunglasses and water for sunny days. Bring hooded jackets, umbrellas and water for a rainy day.
– Hand sanitizer but there is a clean bathroom and a hand washing station available.
– Strollers can be used on the farm as the walkways are clean and packed.
– Sneakers are good for walking on the packed pathways and grass. It wasn’t raining or muddy when I visited. You can consider rain boots for a rainy day.
– Bring your own vegetables if you’d like to feed the bunnies. Check on the website to see approved items.
– Birdseed for feeding ducks is available for $3/bag.
– Cow milking demonstrations daily at 1:15 pm.
– Free parking is available in their parking lot along with free street parking.
– Book pony rides in advance.

Petting area for smaller goats. They are friendly and will come up to you.

You can feed and pet the bunnies.

Pre-book pony rides in advance for $111/hr.

Chickens runs free around the farm.

Clean bathrooms.
Gift store.

Hand washing station with sinks and dryers of different heights.

May 12, 2019 by indulgewithbibi

Of Food and Fertility – A Five Year Journey

The “Secret” Behind the Gender Reveal Macarons (2014-2015)

A few years ago, I created a one-of-a-kind technique for Gender Reveal Macarons on my original blog which I kept secret for a long time. The outside of the macaron was a conspicuous black color and when broken in half, a bright fluffy pink interior is revealed. At the time, a lot of readers asked me for the instructions and even took guesses at how to achieve this look. I told everyone I’d reveal it at a later date since I wanted to save this secret technique to make one-of-a-kind macarons for my friends and family. Truth be told, I was really hoping I’d have a chance to use it myself to announce my own pregnancy one day, but if only I could get pregnant…. A few years went by and hubby and I were still struggling with conceiving, experiencing a lot of challenges and heartbreak along the way. We tried so hard but somehow everything seemed to be going against us.

“Why Can’t You Just Be Happy For Others?” (2016)

2016 was an especially hard for me as we faced some very heartbreaking moments on our journey towards parenthood. I spent a lot of it crying and feeling absolutely horrible physically and emotionally. Some days, I could hardly get out of bed because my body literally hurt from the emotional pain I was feeling inside. Although I’ve always been the type to jump out of bed at the crack of dawn because I would be so excited to start my day and tackle my to-do lists, I no longer felt meaning in the things that were going on around me. Sometimes in the morning I’d wake up and just lay in bed feeling achy and exhausted. Night time was even worse, there were even less distractions and no obligations I needed to attend to. In the still of the night, I’d be left with nothing but my own sad thoughts that I would start crying uncontrollably. Hubby would try his best to hold and console me but even that had its limits since he actually had to go to work the next day.

During this time it was really hard for me to keep up with personal social obligations. Even harder was when I was expected to attend a baby shower or be in a place where there were to be lots of pregnant women. I would be overcome with immense anxiety prior to and during the event. I felt terrible about feeling that way and I couldn’t understand at the time why I was being such a “poor sport”. Ironically, it was the people around me who were trying to help me the most that made me feel the worst. When I shared that other people’s pregnancies triggered a deep emotional response in me, they would tell me to “just be grateful for all you have” or “be happy for other people”. I was relieved with the next thing that happened which really helped me make sense of my emotions and I no longer felt the guilt of being “ungrateful” or “petty”.

Therapy

I couldn’t see it myself at the time, but it was obvious that I would benefit from professional help. After a lot of nudging from hubby, I made an appointment with a therapist. Being from an Asian background, I wasn’t quite used to the idea of seeking professional help for mental health. I (incorrectly) thought that everything could be resolved by myself if only I just sucked it up, stopped thinking about it, be stoic, and simply move on.

After just a few sessions, my therapist was able to put everything I had been feeling into perspective and helped me realize that what I was feeling was perfectly normal. She explained to me that I was grieving a sense of loss. Grieving and loss: those two words really helped me finally put into words what I had been feeling the whole time.

Grieving and Loss

I realized that those who have challenges with conception, whether they realized it or not, often go through a process of grief. The word grief is easier for most people to understand in the case of losing a loved one but it is also just as relevant for potential parents trying to conceive. For some couples, it’s the loss of unborn babies and for others who might not have come that far, it might simply be a loss of hope.

Being able to put my feelings into the framework of grief, helped me realize why I was so mad at myself for not being able to bring a baby into this world. Anger and depression are just two of the 5 stages of the Kübler-Ross model of grief . It can be overwhelming to hear about other people’s pregnancies or attend their baby showers because it forced me to face my own losses. It wasn’t because I just “couldn’t be happy for others.”

There’s also the issue of gratitude. Many times when well-meaning loved ones tried to console me, the issue of gratitude would be brought up. My therapist helped me realize it is entirely possible to be happy for others while being sad for yourself. They are not mutually exclusive and I was not being a “poor sport” when someone else’s pregnancy announcement sent me into an emotional overdrive. I can’t recall where I read this but it perfectly sums up how it feels when you are grieving and someone tells you to “just be grateful.” It is similar to saying, “I’m sorry to hear your mom died but at least your dad is still alive. Be happy.” I’m sure my loved ones meant well but in the absence of being told what would help me at that time, they were probably just as lost as me when they tried to come up with comforting words that would help cheer me up. In one session that my husband attended with me, the therapist suggested a coping strategy: instead of trying to “find a solution” for me as most men do when they see their loved ones in distress, he could simply give me a hug and tell me, “I’m here for you,” or “I’m listening”. I felt this method helped us communicate better. Sometimes I wasn’t looking for him to fix anything for me, I just wanted to vent and it comforted me to know he was there to listen to me.

Even though I was reluctant at first, I finally realized that just a few sessions with someone who was trained to help cope with overwhelming feelings and problem-solve was of great benefit to me in the long run.
If you are or know someone who is coping with difficult emotions, know that it is perfectly alright to reach out for help.

Finding a Registered Psychologist
Most extended health plans cover registered psychologists, check with your plan to confirm coverage. You can find one on British Columbia Psychological Association.

“People Who Love to Eat are Always the Best People”

I really needed a diversion from family planning, babies and children so every night I’d go online and just browse for gorgeous food photos and baking recipes. It was so relaxing scrolling through Instagram looking at beautifully styled buttercream cakes or scrumptious creations from local restaurants. (Mind you, this was back when Instagram was used as a creative outlet rather than a sponsorship opportunity.) Pretty soon I met a community of like-minded individuals, some of whom I ended up becoming good friends with.

I also started working more consistently on my Indulge With Mimi blog – baking and producing recipes. It was (and is) really nice to have something creative and positive to focus my efforts on. For all the feelings of failure I felt while trying to conceive, I felt a sense of mastery every time when a reader would write me a simple note of gratitude because a recipe worked out well. It made me really happy and for that, I am so grateful!

It meant so much for me to have a space in person and online where I wasn’t questioned on if and when I wanted to have children, what my plans for the future were etc… Julia Child said it first and I’d have to agree with her that, “People who love to eat are always the best people.” 🙂

“What Did You Think Life Was Going To Be Like?”

I had never felt so helpless as when I was going through infertility. Although we had an amazing support network, it was a real scary thought knowing that no matter how much my family and husband loved me, I simply couldn’t control nature.

I remember sitting on the sofa and sobbing uncontrollably on hubby’s lap. By now, this was nothing new for the both of us. One thing that stood out that day though was when he asked me why I was crying so hard. He pointed out that we were already very lucky to have our health, and be surrounded by such great friends and family. Intellectually, I understood what he meant but emotionally, I just wanted to lash out at the world, at God. Between some very violent sobs I mustered that, “I never thought life would turn out like this!”.

He asked me, “So what did you think life was going to be like?” Without hesitation, I pointed at all the cute and colorful macaron towers that I made which were displayed on the living room mantle, “Like that!”. I was referring to a self-created fantasy world of sweet things like macarons and teddy bears, where no one was ever sad or had any problems. Throughout my life, I had expected I’d do well in school, go to university, start a career, get married, become a doting full-time mom, watch my kids grow up and then grow old gracefully myself. Looking back now, I can see how idealistic and entitled I was. I eventually learned that nothing in life is really guaranteed and I am not owed anything simply for being alive. My expectations from a “normal” life was, in fact, a privileged life that many people in this world work hard everyday to attain and maintain. Life isn’t always easy, there’s loss, inequalities, disabilities and pain – some of the things I had been very lucky not to have experienced on a life-changing scale. And because of that, I was unable to see how fortunate I already was.

A Lisbon Sunset

Near the end of 2016, my sister invited us to join her family in Lisbon, Portugal for the holidays. I normally would have welcomed the chance to visit Europe again but this time, I wondered if I was even up for it. I still felt like crying at home everyday and if I were to be on holidays with my extended family, where could I hide if I wanted to break down again? Hubby encouraged me to go and have a good time without dwelling on such a frivolous first world problem. In retrospect, I’m glad I went in order for me to heal in a very cathartic way.

When we landed, the beauty of Lisbon immediately captured my (and my camera’s) attention. I found every little detail of the city so beautiful and even the modest parts of town harbored great pride in presenting itself with style and thought. I marveled at how even a simple doorknob on a door in an unpretentious neighborhood was sculpted into a little lion’s head. Consistent with the way most other Europeans lived, the Portuguese people seemed to really love and enjoy life. It made me seriously consider a life lived abroad with such passion and conviction – even if it had to be without children.

My sister planned many great places for us to visit and I ended up enjoying the comfort of spending the holidays with my family. I rarely have “defining” moments in life but there was one pivotal moment on our trip which helped shaped my outlook for the next few years.

After a day out visiting the resort town of Sintra on the outskirts of the city, my sister planned for our driver to take us to see the sunset in Cabo de Roca, the westernmost point of Continental Europe. The half-hour drive we made from Sintra to Cabo de Roca was a hilly one and daylight was quickly escaping us. The sun seemed to be setting faster and faster as our driver sped up even more so to bring us in time to the viewing site at the most western point on the continent. By the time we got to the cliffs overlooking a totally unobstructed view of the North Atlantic, the dark orange sun had already dropped close to the horizon. We stumbled out of the car and ran across a large patch of grass towards the edge of the cliff where we could see the sun dropping below the horizon at the Westernmost point in Europe. The entire sky was at first bright and then became almost completely dark within just minutes of our arrival. The fact that we almost missed such an incredible sight by such a short amount of time was really humbling. I saw it as a sort of metaphor for what had been a very turbulent few years for me. No matter how hard I cried and how much I wanted the world to stay unchanged until I was ready for it, the world was literally continuing to turn – with or without me. There were so many things I couldn’t change about the past few years and all I could do was to keep moving forward like the sunset. It wasn’t lost on me that life is so short and so precious. If I had chosen to stay home and sulk during the holidays, I would have missed that special moment to experience something greater than myself and my own problems. I knew at the moment I had to keep going, keep moving forward. I finally felt in a very authentic way – and not because someone told me – that there were still so many wonderful things to experience in life that didn’t include having children of my own. I realized life could still turn out alright if children were not to be in our plans.

A Childless Life (2017)

A funny thing happened at what was supposed to be the end of our trip. Due to the weather and a misunderstanding at the airport, we ended up having the opportunity to extend our vacation with a week-long layover in London. I ended up ringing in the new year in the city, revisiting a few of our favorite London landmarks and taking a short trip out to the countryside town of Bath and Wiltshire where Stonehenge is located. I had a great time and it made me think that maybe I could finally be rid of the crazy last few years of my life and start anew with new adventures in 2017.

No, You Don’t Always Achieve Everything You Put Your Mind To…

Although I was trying to feel hopeful again, I also knew I had to reset my expectations to avoid more disappointment and heartbreak. The old saying, “If you put your mind to it, you can achieve anything,” didn’t really seem applicable in terms of what we were going through… there is just no denying nature and science. I thought a lot about that phrase and the more I thought about it, the more I realized how entitled it sounded. Regardless of how great that motivational quote seemed to be when printed on a fridge magnet, there were going to be times in life when I wouldn’t be able to achieve something just because I put my mind to it. Being of a petite stature, I can’t imagine ever being able to join the NBA one day merely because I trained hard and persevered. There are things in life that one will simply never achieve even after trying one’s very best. However, the most important thing to realize is that it’s okay. In North American culture, it’s so easy to be emotionally coddled by participation ribbons that we don’t hear often enough that it’s perfectly okay to fail at something and then find happiness in something else. Having said all of that, I don’t think the quote is totally misleading but perhaps, it is more fitting to revise it to, “If you put your mind to something and keep an open mind, you will eventually find happiness.” And that’s what I tried to do in 2017.

Tiny Houses

In keeping with the different stages of grief – this time, acceptance. I finally felt I was ready to accept the possibility of never having children of our own. In my fertility support group, one member shared that since she had been trying to conceive for several years already, she would try for another year and if it didn’t work, she would devote the rest of her life to her charitable works instead. I remember telling myself that I would never “give up” like that. But after coming back home from Europe, my mindset began to change. I no longer viewed not having children as “giving up” but more like “moving forward”. It was time to be kinder to myself. I knew I had tried my very best already and accepted that some elements were outside of my control. I knew I already did everything I possibly could in order for me to move onto the next phase of my life and have no regrets.

I was ready to explore other options in life that didn’t include children and this time I wasn’t doing it “out of spite.” In the past, when I thought of a childless life, it would have a “reckless” undertone to it but now I envisioned a productive and adventurous child-free life. Looking around me, I started to admire the eventful lives led by some of the childless couples we knew. Without children, hubby and I could travel whenever we wanted, live in a tiny house (I was obsessed with all those Youtube videos lol) and have the mornings to ourselves to sleep in until whenever we wanted. Basically, the last few years of our lives without children which I took for granted.

Where Does Courage Come From?

I remember a conversation I had with my aunt when I was having the toughest time mentally. I couldn’t understand why I felt so low and I wondered where along the way did I lose the confidence I thought I had in myself. She pointed out, “Courage doesn’t come from attempting things you have a reasonable expectation of succeeding. That’s not real courage.” That was exactly my problem.

I’ve never really undertaken something with such “high stakes” yet with such an unknown prospect of success. I also had to get over that excruciating “all or nothing” aspect of achieving a viable pregnancy. Unlike training for a race – even one where you might lose – at the very least, you can see yourself improve every time you train. In time, you might see yourself running for longer, you’re faster or healthier. With pregnancy, either you’re pregnant or you’re – not. It’s a roller coaster of emotions that women trying to conceive go through every month.

I always thought that courage comes from within and in many ways, I had to work through all the difficult emotions I had alone. Simply because it’s not always practical (or nice) to wake up your friends and family in the middle of the night because you’re sad or scared. However, in other ways, I can also see the wisdom in Simon Sinek’s powerful message about courage – he proposes that courage actually comes from other’s belief in us.

I was lucky to have so many friends and family support me through that time. Our families never gave us any pressure to give them grandchildren and always supported our decisions. Through their loving example, it further reaffirmed my desire to one day have my own little family. My friends were also super supportive, they provided the type of support that a peer is best equipped at giving – a sympathetic set of ears without embarking on any lectures about life. I especially appreciated the effort to keep in touch with me from two of my closest friends living overseas. They always took the time to reach out the old-fashioned way by calling me long distance. Many times I thought I wasn’t up for talking but somehow after their calls, I always felt more upbeat and relieved of my burdens. I was also fortunate to have met two other girlfriends from my support group whom I grew to rely on and they on me. They knew exactly how I felt at every stage of my journey because they were going through it themselves. And somehow, advice from someone who was in the same shoes as me was much easier to digest than from someone who wasn’t. I am so happy I took the step to join a support group. Through supporting each other and being supported, I think we all found the courage to keep on going on our respective journeys.

If you’re dealing with something difficult in your own life, try talking to a non-judgmental family member, a supportive friend, a mentor or consider joining a support group.

Conversely, if you’re watching a loved one go through something difficult, don’t underestimate how much a check-in phone call or text can mean.

How to Keep in Touch with a Loved One Going Through Infertility:

Check in with them via text or email or better yet, a phone call or in-person meet-up if time and circumstances allow. Ask them open-ended questions like how they’re doing to let them know you care without asking specific ones like, “Are you pregnant yet?”, “When is your next doctor’s appointment?” or “What were your test results?”. Prospective parents often put so much pressure on themselves that they don’t need to answer to even more people in their lives. Wait times for results or doctor’s appointments can be so long that these type of questions can cause even more anxiety for prospective parents. Besides, if they receive undesirable results, some couples would rather be left to grieve alone. If they choose to share their problems, try to listen without feeling the need to offer advice.

How to Let Others Help You When You’re Dealing with Infertility:

This is counter-intuitive but in retrospect, some women actually wished they had told less people they were trying to conceive. Once they told others around them, they felt even more pressure when others would kindly follow up with them.

If you do share your conception plans, be clear about how you’d like your loved ones to follow up with you. You can say something like, “I will share with you as much as needed and I hope you can just listen.” “I don’t have any news but as soon as I do, you will be one of the first people to know”

A Year of Transition (2018)

In the late Spring of 2018, I found out that I could possibly be pregnant. I was going through the dreaded “two-week wait” until my period or hopefully, lack thereof. It was dreadful trying to control my emotions which were swaying back and forth between pessimism and optimism. All the doubts built up from the failures of previous years kept creeping up on me. On the other hand, I tried not to let my mind wander to the other end of the spectrum. I knew it was a dangerous exercise to start imagining how happy I would feel if I were to find out I was pregnant. I tried to tell myself I was still in this marathon, to stay focused and keep swimming towards my destination. Perhaps I’d cross the finish line one day and receive a medal at the end of it but I’d never truly know how I would react in a situation until I experienced it for myself. There was no point fantasizing about how sweet victory would be and my resources would be much better spent on staying focused and keeping my head above the water.

Two weeks couldn’t come soon enough. On the test day, I got up early and went to the lab for my blood test. A few long hours later, I was told that my hCG hormone levels were great and I was indeed pregnant (!) It was good news indeed but surprisingly, instead of feeling delirious joy, I felt a bit terrified at whether or not I’d be able to carry this sweet baby to term. Even though I should have, I just would not let myself be happy – not yet anyways.

When the time came around for our first prenatal check-up, we saw our baby on the monitor as a tiny little blob on the black and white screen. It was interesting enough but what really arrested my attention was when the doctor let us listen to the baby’s heartbeat. Bu-bup, bu-bup…that beautiful rhythmic sound engulfed the entire room. It was so sweet and truly unforgettable.

After everything we went through to get to this point, it felt like we received a special gift created just for us. If it were a few years earlier, I’m sure I would have wanted to tell the whole world about the pregnancy but having been the one on the sidelines for so long when others announced their pregnancies, I knew how overwhelming it could be. We were so happy with our little growing baby that we felt content keeping our precious news to ourselves. In the end, we only told our family and closest friends about our happy news and knew that should anything unforeseen happen, they would be the ones we’d want to rely on to bare the burden.

Crossing the Finish Line (2019)

Although my road towards this point wasn’t an easy one, I was blessed with the gift of an easy and healthy pregnancy. Thanks to hubby’s hard work supporting the both of us while I focused on my health (both before and after I got pregnant), I had the opportunity to experience a dream pregnancy. I had all my days free to cook healthy meals for the baby and me, go to prenatal yoga, have prenatal massages and do everything else recommended for a healthy pregnancy.

In the Spring, my healthy little Bibi was born and she was absolutely perfect with a full head of hair! I felt like we had finally crossed the finish line together. I know there will be many more waiting for the two of us and I’ll try to be right by her side through all of them. If anything, these few years taught me that it’s important to enjoy the journey instead of dreaming about the destination because you just never know where life will lead you.

Not Everyday is Good But There’s Something Good in Everyday

On our first date in a restaurant overlooking a beautiful view of False Creek, hubby and I discovered our shared desire to have children one day in the future. Little did I know the long journey we’d have to take to get there. In a marriage, I realized that sometimes you may be called upon sooner than expected to make good on your wedding vows to love each other for better or for worse. In the last few years, hubby and I stood by each other through some of the most difficult moments in our lives. In no way is our marriage perfect (like all marriages) and I can see how much this particular issue can test even the best of them.

In addition to our fertility issues, we were in a years-long legal battle during that time which consumed a lot of our time and resources, both of which would have been better spent on the former. Coincidentally enough, the lawsuit finally got resolved during my pregnancy and everything seemed to fall into place at the same time. Looking back, I’m so thankful that with the love and support of our family and closest friends, we were able to find happiness and meaning in our lives even during those difficult years. Now everything else we have is just the extra icing on the cake.

I want to thank you readers as well. When I was feeling down, my Indulge with Mimi blog gave me the ability to give birth to new life, an ability that eluded me in real life – albeit in the form of cute macaron bears. At first, blogging and baking were a creative outlet for me which I would work on in my free time when I wasn’t focusing on my health. With support through your loyal readership, my little blog grew to become a full-time job for me. I’m happy to say that I plan on producing even more delicious content for you over at Indulge with Mimi as I continue on my own personal journey here. Thank you for helping me become a #mommyblogger and for showing me that “people who love to eat are always the best people.”